I had a conversation with a new mom a few months ago as she was deep in the postpartum haze and figuring out what the new reality we call life is like after welcoming a tiny human. It's a concept that we all know in the back of our mind will hit but it really does hit full in the face at different times. For some, it's when the baby is born, when they have to go back to work after maternity leave, and for others, it is when they have to give something up because they are now a mom.
Many people may not like the phrasing of that---"giving up something" to be a mom but I don't think there is any other way to phrase it. We give up a lot when we have kids and that is ok to admit. I think that a healthy dose of acceptance that you can't do EVERYTHING the same helps to relieve a lot of stress.
(Almost) Every mom gives SOMETHING up when they add the title of mom. It ranges from your career, your free time, your hobbies, and so many other ways that I can't even list. As I type this I am standing in the most uncomfortable position while my tiny human is at an extracurricular activity. While I have the luxury to work from anywhere (something I never take for granted) I have given up the chunks of uninterrupted time that I once had. It's a never-ending puzzle of finding a way to make it all work. This is a surface-level example of a bigger struggle but it's part of my and other moms realities.
It's important to call out that giving up things in motherhood will happen even to the most focused, organized, and determined individuals. Welcoming a tiny human, using any pathway, will tear you down to the basics: eat, shower, sleep (kinda), and repeat. Once you've gotten your footing, that's when you realize that you have a bag full of puzzle pieces that once fit together but somehow don't anymore. That's why I refer to motherhood as one big giant puzzle. You have all the pieces to make it work but have to sift through them all before you can create a beautiful picture. You'll lay them all out and notice that a few corner pieces can be put back together and start to take form (work, activities with your older kids, cleaning, etc.) .
Unfortunately, the ones that no longer fit are often the most painful to talk about and come to terms with. Fear not though...just like every stage of your tiny humans' childhood, it won't last forever.
No one's puzzle is the same and even the pieces you THINK will fit have a funny way of surprising you. I ALWAYS wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember. That piece of the puzzle should have fit PERFECTLY, but it didn't. After I became settled in my mom role, I realized that I wanted to have something for myself outside of being a mom. I struggled with a lot of guilt that I no longer WANTED that piece of the puzzle to fit and had to re-cut, re-adjust, and re-frame the piece.
Building my puzzle wasn't all doom, gloom, or guilt. It gave me the ability to keep the parts that meant the most, change the ones that no longer brought me joy, and overall helped me find MY voice and shaped me into a stronger mom and person.
My puzzle picture has changed a bit throughout the parenting stages but for the most part the growth has been less clunky than it was in the beginning. If you are reading this and feeling lost in your "mom-dentity", I see you. I hear you. I was you. and I'm here to assure you that you CAN and WILL go from surviving to enjoying who you are becoming as a mom and a person. The puzzle will continue to change as you and your tiny human grow---don't be afraid of the pieces needing to be cut, changed, or thrown away completely. Take a deep breath, pour out all the pieces, and make a masterpiece of what you have to work with.
Need help to unscramble the puzzle of your motherhood identity and figure out how to get the parts to fit or how to create new ones? Apply for my 1:1 "Mom Life Coaching" where we work together to de-stress the mess of your days, weeks, and months to set you up to enjoy each day vs. simply surviving. Want to learn more?
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